Reflection

So this week I have had a lot of time off from work. I spent the majority of it looking over my life and where I am at. I decided that I am gonna share some of my thoughts on here. I find writing it out helps me organize. Warning, this might get very sappy, I haven't really thought this one out too well...

Ok so here it goes. I am alone, in many different ways. All of my friends I had before my internship are either graduated and left or still in school. That means our free time doesn't match up and we are drifting apart. I wish it wasn't true, but it is. Worst of it is my best friend and old roommate is married. I am very happy for him because he waited for her to do a mission, but it's not the same between us now. Even when we do hang out, he always brings his wife. I don't blame him, but it sucks.

When I try to hang out with my coworkers it's hard too. I am their supervisor. They can't get comfortable with me outside of work because of this. There is one girl I work with that has worked their for a long time, long enough that I haven't always been her supervisor. We get along great. She is pregnant and due any day now. Needless to say, we don't hang out much after work.

The next place I would look is Church. But here I run into the same problem, the majority of people are students. Its hard to relate when I am not in classes all the time like they are, and our free time doesn't match up.

All of these problems don't help with the fact that I literally suck at getting to know people. I can't remember names to save my life, because seriously a name says so little about a person. And I usually tend to be defensive when I first meet people. I try to curl up everything that makes me who I am, and it's almost like I am afraid to let them see me. I am very selective with who I open up to, and I have only truly opened up all the way to one person. And because of my weakness I am no longer speaking to said person.

Now for the sappy part. I am alone. All my life I have understood that true happiness cannot be found by yourself. Man is nothing without the woman and woman is nothing without the man. That is the truth that I know and base my life after. Whenever I think about my life goals, I don't think about my career first, I think about my determination to be a good husband and father. But during this week of reflection I had to ask myself will it happen? My whole life I just assumed that one day I would be a father teaches his kids how to life live. But now I doubt it. I don't doubt my desire for that life, but I doubt that I could actually do it. I am a little ashamed to say that I don't know if I could even ask a girl out on a date. If I actually liked a girl enough to ask out, I know I wouldn't. She would be better off without me. I feel too broken and messed up inside, and I don't see how to change it. That is mainly because I don't know where all the brokenness comes from. I don't know why I see myself in such a negative light. I feel, no, know that I'm not good enough. I have forgotten what confidence feels like.

The last thing I want to say is sorry there is nothing about diapers in this one. In fact, this is the first blog I wrote not in diapers. I'm just trying to figure myself out and I thought this would help...