First Kiss Diapered

Yep that happened last night. Here is the back story.

So as you guys who read this know, I have been fighting my own insecurities the past couple weeks. And I have been getting pretty good at the techniques that I listed previously. They are almost becoming habits now. But I don't want to get comfortable. From the great movie of Tommy Boy, "...you're either growing or you're dying, there ain't no third direction." So the beginning of this week I challenged myself to kiss a girl. I had to prove to myself that I could do it.

Well, ya I did it. I will admit it was kinda lame the way I did. I talked to a friend of mine and I told her a little bit of when I was going through and she was having similar problems. We both had relationships with people that we needed to get over, but yet we both were having problems with it. We both agreed to a NCMO, a common BYU phenomenon, a Non-Commital Make-Out.

It was weird, there is no getting around it. But it worked, at least for me. I can now, and did, talk to the last girl I dated and be friends with her because I don't have her mouth in the back of my mind anymore.

But I wouldn't do it again. Granted, the kiss was great. But I didn't feel anything. Yes there was the physical arousal, but that was it. And there is so much more to life than just the physical. So next time I kiss a girl, it will be because I actually feel something for her. I can't wait for that.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I was wearing my cloth pull-up diaper last night when we kissed.

The Magical Crinkle

Today after work I just felt like diapering up. I watched the newest Family Guy and now I'm watching The Blind Side. But that's not what I wanted to say. You see there is a part of wearing a diaper that brings a smile to my, and most other diaper wearers', face. The crinkle. That magical sound every time I shift around a little. Tonight as I have been wearing I have been moving on purpose just to hear that crinkle. I can't really explain why I like it so much. Maybe it's because it reminds me that I'm diapered, supported, and covered. 

There are a couple problems though. I have to be careful when I am not by myself. I can't be giving my secret away to my roommatess and friends. The other problem is that the crinkle doesn't last. After wearing for a while the diaper forms to my body and doesn't make as much of a sound. Over time the crinkle is lost. 

The worst part though is that only disposable diapers have the crinkle. For those of you who read this I am currently switching to cloth. The benefits are just amazing, they are way more comfortable and they are way cheaper in the long run. I'm still making the switch, but maybe I will keep a couple disposables for when I want that crinkle. 

Just feel like it

Sorry it's been awhile since I last wrote but this past week has been amazing. Since last week I have spent a lot of time on websites dedicated to mental health, mainly focusing on fighting feelings of insecurity. The steps that I found have been helpful. 

The first step I took was to find the beginning of my insecurities. Find out why and how they started and work on them from the root. I found my main source of insecurity, well at the least the most recent and therefore the easiest to fix, came from a situation I was in back in December. It would take a long time to explain, but basically the problem was I didn't understand, really understand, what the other person involved was going through. Now I am beginning to. And with understanding comes healing. Healing in the fact that it wasn't only my faults that caused the problems, but both of ours. In fact what I used to think was wrong with me I laugh at now. 

The next biggest step I took is actually little steps I have to do multiple times a day. Thought control. Every time a negative thought about myself passes through my mind, I disprove it. This is a constant battle all day long, but it yields great results. 

This third one might get a little preachy, just as a fair warning. This last tool I learned from teaching from my church. In Mormonism we talk about the sin of pride quite a bit. I'm not talking about being proud of your son or daughter doing well in school or whatever. I am talking about look at me I am so much better than you. But that isn't the only face of pride. Self pity is another. Self pity, focusing on your own problems and thinking that they are more important than anyone else's. That pride can be just as self destructive. That is what I was doing. To offset that habit I have started to do one random act of service everyday. That could include giving a roommate a ride to class as I go to work. It's a little out of the way, but it helps take the focus off I of me. Or helping out my boss at her son's school's silent auction. Again, it has helped. 

I have tried other steps and ideas, but these three have worked the best for me. I feel better about myself than I have for some time. I would like to thank my friend, you know who you are, for your support and for the rude awakenings. You helped me more than you can imagine. I would also like to apologize for everything bad I have ever done to you. 

Anyway, like I said I am feeling better than I have for awhile. It has gotten to the point that I wear diaper just because. Like right now, I had a fun time at the auction last night. I had a good day at work today, everything went very smoothly. I got home, showered, and was like, "I feel like diapering up tonight."  I don't feel down or depressed. I was feeling good before I diapered up and I'm feeling good now. 

Wrong Dog

There is an old Native American proverb (I'm not sure which nation) that explains we have two dogs inside of us. One dog represents good and the other represents bad. These two dogs are constantly fighting, and the one who will win is the one we feed more. From my last post, it is obvious I have been feeding the wrong dog.

I am not sure exactly how to go about this, but I am going to feed the right dog from now on. I am going to try to have a more positive look on my life. Any suggestions?

*Update*
So I have spent a lot of time today reading a bunch of stuff on the internet about fighting depression and insecurity since I think these are my two biggest problems. Sadly the majority of them are pretty vague, not really offering any real advice. But I did get a couple things out of it.

First was to take a look back to see what happened. I haven't always had these feelings, and the idea is to find what changed. To look back and find the cause in order to clean it out. This will of course take some time and serious self reflection.

Second is physical exercise. I already swim laps a couple times a week, but it isn't very regular. I am going to try to set a set time for when I go and make it more of a routine.

Other than that I just have vague ideas of how I want to improve my life. Because I don't like how it is right now. 

I Like Me ... Kind Of

I have never been good at remembering people's names. The way I see it is that who a person is has nothing to do with their name. Their character and their behavior is what I like to find out about a person before I even tried to remember their name. You see I studied cultural anthropology in college and I learned how to learn about people. I like to see what people think and why they think that way. And their name just doesn't change that.

But earlier this week I realized something. I still think that a name changes how I see a person. But thats not the point. A name is important because that is how we identify ourselves. When someone asks us who we are, we give our name. We define who we are by our names. It becomes part of who we are. How we see ourselves makes a big difference. It shapes our everyday lives in every way possible, especially with other people. 

Once I came upon this revelation, I started doing some self reflecting. How do I see myself? What are my strengths and weaknesses? And more importantly do I even like who I am?

This I think is a big part of living a happy life. Being able to see inside yourself and like it. If you can do that, then nothing can stand in your way.

I just don't know if I do. I have tried this week to find what defines me and whether or not I like it. There are many different ways to do that. First off, vocation. This is the main way that people define themselves in our modern world, and my job sucks. I'm basically a PART TIME fry cook. I mean ya, there is a little bit more involved because I am in training for a manager like position (I think) and I am helping with some new recipes and construction, but when it comes right down to it, I am a fry cook. Not even full time. So I am not too happy about that part of my life.

Then there is the Mormon side of me. My religion has always been a great part of my life. But now as I get older and I am still single, it kind of sucks. Let me explain this better. I still feel great strength from my faith, but I feel pressure from everywhere to get married. Every time an old mission companion Facebooks me, it's always, "Oye Avery, ya te casates verdard? Quien es tu esposa?" (Hey Avery, your married right? Who is your wife?) Or there is always the Bishop, Stake President, and other various leaders always trying to put together activities to get us together, or always talking about how important it is to rush off to get married. And reminding us that as long as we put God and Christ first, everything will work out. Right. Because married life is all about riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after. So I have that fun pressure coming from Church to get married. But I can't even see myself in a relationship, let alone a marriage (maybe later I will talk about this more, because I am really starting to think that I won't ever get married. Long story, I will save it for another post). So I am not too happy about that part of my life either.

There are parts of my life that I like. For example I like where I live, I like my new to me Wii and playing Super Smash Bros with my roommates. I like making the random midnight trips to Walmart.

But for what makes me who I am, there is really only one part that I am truly happy about right now, and that is my diapers. I am happiest when I am wearing. I am able to express myself here better than anywhere else. I feel support from people all around the world as they share their experiences and advice on diaper forums. Even as I was buying a cloth diaper on a website from a private seller, she was extremely nice and supportive. This part of me I like.

When I got out of the shower today after work, I looked into the mirror and I couldn't find the strength to tell myself that I like who I am, because I am not sure if it is true. I have a lot I need to work on...

Sexuality Rant(ish)

*Just remember this is coming from a virgin who will be staying a virgin until he gets married*

The idea of sexuality has been on my mind of late, for various reasons. For those of you who don't live in the island paradise of Hawaii, just a few months ago gay marriage was legalized. For those of who you do live in the island I don't want to get into any political debate of how it was run or anything like that. Instead I want to talk about our view as human beings on sexuality.

To you avid readers out there, you know that I am Mormon, a conservative, Christian religion. And I live in an area with a lot of Mormons. Back when the law was going through the Senate and the House, there was much discussion about the issue. When people approached me about my opinion, most were appalled that I was for gay marriage. The awestruck, deer-in-the-headlights look would always follow my answer, along with the question, "Lathorium, are you gay?" (Just as a side note, I can't even count the number of times people have asked me that question, and I think I know why.)

We are taught this binary form of sexuality that I just don't think exists. There is this idea, and it is very strong in the Mormon community, that you are either gay or straight. And bi is just for those people who can't choose. When is human life this simple? When is it ever just one thing or another?

As I look around at online diapered forums, I see links to other fetishes and lifestyles. I browse through them and I like how sexuality is defined there. Instead of a binary form, gay/straight, it is more open. People are allowed to explore who they are and what they like, however weird it may seem. I personally am very happy for online diaper forums, it's through one of them in particular DailyDiaper.com . It has been from the support of people on this forum and reading their stories that I have been able to accept myself as a DL.

So this is my new way of looking at sexuality. You have what is known as vanilla, typical heterosexual couple. And then you have as many flavors as you can imagine. The best part is that just as in cooking, you can make up your own to fit your own desires and needs. The way I see it, as long as you aren't hurting yourself or anyone else, who cares? If it makes you happy it makes you happy.

I almost forgot. The reason why I think a lot of people ask me if I am gay is because I am not vanilla. Yes I am straight, but I also have a diaper fetish. And I hope to include this fetish with my wife someday.

Oh Sh*!

Just as a little back story, I did laundry yesterday. Part of that laundry included my prefold diaper that can't be dried in a dryer on the same setting as the rest of my clothes. So I hung it up in the clothesline in the garage that my landlord has set up. It takes a long time to dry, so I left it up all day yesterday. This morning I went to get it, and it was gone. It wasn't on the line. I'm thinking that my landlord took it off since it's his clothes that are now on the line. I have to go get it from him now. That will probably include explaining to him what it is, if he doesn't already know, and admitting to him that I wear. Little scary