I Like Me ... Kind Of

I have never been good at remembering people's names. The way I see it is that who a person is has nothing to do with their name. Their character and their behavior is what I like to find out about a person before I even tried to remember their name. You see I studied cultural anthropology in college and I learned how to learn about people. I like to see what people think and why they think that way. And their name just doesn't change that.

But earlier this week I realized something. I still think that a name changes how I see a person. But thats not the point. A name is important because that is how we identify ourselves. When someone asks us who we are, we give our name. We define who we are by our names. It becomes part of who we are. How we see ourselves makes a big difference. It shapes our everyday lives in every way possible, especially with other people. 

Once I came upon this revelation, I started doing some self reflecting. How do I see myself? What are my strengths and weaknesses? And more importantly do I even like who I am?

This I think is a big part of living a happy life. Being able to see inside yourself and like it. If you can do that, then nothing can stand in your way.

I just don't know if I do. I have tried this week to find what defines me and whether or not I like it. There are many different ways to do that. First off, vocation. This is the main way that people define themselves in our modern world, and my job sucks. I'm basically a PART TIME fry cook. I mean ya, there is a little bit more involved because I am in training for a manager like position (I think) and I am helping with some new recipes and construction, but when it comes right down to it, I am a fry cook. Not even full time. So I am not too happy about that part of my life.

Then there is the Mormon side of me. My religion has always been a great part of my life. But now as I get older and I am still single, it kind of sucks. Let me explain this better. I still feel great strength from my faith, but I feel pressure from everywhere to get married. Every time an old mission companion Facebooks me, it's always, "Oye Avery, ya te casates verdard? Quien es tu esposa?" (Hey Avery, your married right? Who is your wife?) Or there is always the Bishop, Stake President, and other various leaders always trying to put together activities to get us together, or always talking about how important it is to rush off to get married. And reminding us that as long as we put God and Christ first, everything will work out. Right. Because married life is all about riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after. So I have that fun pressure coming from Church to get married. But I can't even see myself in a relationship, let alone a marriage (maybe later I will talk about this more, because I am really starting to think that I won't ever get married. Long story, I will save it for another post). So I am not too happy about that part of my life either.

There are parts of my life that I like. For example I like where I live, I like my new to me Wii and playing Super Smash Bros with my roommates. I like making the random midnight trips to Walmart.

But for what makes me who I am, there is really only one part that I am truly happy about right now, and that is my diapers. I am happiest when I am wearing. I am able to express myself here better than anywhere else. I feel support from people all around the world as they share their experiences and advice on diaper forums. Even as I was buying a cloth diaper on a website from a private seller, she was extremely nice and supportive. This part of me I like.

When I got out of the shower today after work, I looked into the mirror and I couldn't find the strength to tell myself that I like who I am, because I am not sure if it is true. I have a lot I need to work on...