Life Isn't Our Own

There is a famous quote from John Donne, "No man is an island." I have been thinking about this a lot because of my decision to leave Hawaii and move to Denver, Colorado.

The decision to leave my current work was actually pretty easy. They have been promising to promote me for quite some time, but yet I see no results. A couple weeks ago I asked my boss when I was going to start training and he gave me such an arbitrary answer, that I decided enough was enough. I am a college graduate working part time in a kitchen, it is time for me to find a real job.

But those who know me are quite baffled by my decision to move to Denver. Most of them I give the basic answer of that is where a lot of companies are hiring right now. In fact I already have quite a few interviews lined up for when I move. Then again I am confident enough in myself and my abilities that I could find employment in anywhere, well, at least any big city. This answer, though, is just partly correct. I mean since when do we have only one reason to do something?

The deeper meaning to why I chose to move to Denver comes from the quote I mentioned earlier from John Donne, "No man is an island." (This actually comes from a poem that he wrote that I decided not to include because it seems to be more about death.) We are all tied to other people around us, family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc. Some of these ties are stronger than others, and as I continue to progress in life I start to see how quickly and effortlessly these ties can be broken and forgotten. So if there are people in our lives that we want to be continuously tied to, we have to do something about that. We have to make a conscious effort to stay tied together.

This got me thinking, who do I want to be connected with? If I am going to be sharing my life and even my identity with other people, who do I want them to be?

My family. (Sorry my Mormon is coming out.) I grew up used to having family live far away. There is a nine year gap between my oldest sister and myself, so my clearest memories come from when she was already in college. So being far away from my siblings and my parents never has really been that big of a deal. But something happened this year at Christmas. I spent about a week at my sister's house, trying to spend as much time with my niece and nephew as I could. I fell in love with them, and I miss them terribly. I definitely want to be close to my family, but more so with my niece and nephew than anyone else. They don't live in Denver, but they live in Salt Lake, which is a cheap flight away from a fun weekend with their uncle.

The nice thing too is that my brother lives in Salt Lake too. (Like I said my Mormon is coming out.) We were never that close as kids, but after high school we got really close. We bond through gaming (cards, video, boards, sports, etc.) even when we suck at it, and watching and quoting Family Guy. We are the only ones in our family that speak Spanish, so we have fun with that. We even used to live together. Ever since I moved out here we don't talk as much, and I miss that. He got married a couple months ago, and I don't really know his wife that well. That is something that I plan to change when I move.

But what about my friends? I have gotten to know so many people in my time here, but no one is staying. My old roommate, who was my roommate the entire time I was at school here, is moving back to Taiwan at the end of this year. All of my current roommates that I have gotten close to are moving out in May, most of them permanently like me. I can go on and on, but the point is that I am not the only one leaving, so I don't feel like I am leaving anyone behind.

And I do have one friend in Denver. I have already talked about this friend and what she means to me on here quite a bit. So I will limit today to just saying, her friendship is worth fighting for.

Getting Excited

Do you remember a while back when I said I order a custom diaper off of etsy? Well just a couple days ago I got a message from the seller that the mushroom is done. This is the picture she sent me

I am so excited for when it is finished. She told me that it should be about a week or two. Yay!

Discrediting the Myth

I am not sure where this myth came from, or why people would even believe it. Anyone who has ever worn a diaper would tell you otherwise. Yet, on all the Yahoo! Questions, or any other new to diaper forums, about wearing a diaper there is always one dingus who says it. This is the myth, that after wetting a diaper, it gets cold.

The only reason I think that someone would ever fathom that a wet diaper would get cold is by comparing it to a swimsuit. But they are very different. A swimsuit isn't designed to hug your body, at least for guys. But more importantly a swimsuit doesn't have the plastic outer layer. This layer is designed to keep all of the wetness within the diaper. For disposables it is actually part of the diaper, and for cloth diapers, well, you wouldn't even dream of wetting a cloth diaper without a pair of plastic pants on. So this plastic outer layer not only prevents liquid from getting out, it prevents air from getting in. No air = no coldness. It is just that simple.

That being said, if the diaper leaks, then yes it will get cold.

Ok, so now I want to share something a little bit more personal. My own preference. There are many diaper wearers that prefer to wear their diaper wet, some even to the point that they will wet as soon as they put on. There are others who prefer to wear their diaper dry. For me it depends on the diaper. Most of them I like better dry, like my two Tena brands and my cloth diapers. My ATNs I think are a lot more comfortable wet. And my Abena M4s I like both wet and dry.

But what it really comes down to is convenience. I don't set out to wet my diapers usually. Most of the time when I wet I have to go and I just go. For example the other day I went down to get my car worked on. I go to a mechanic shop about 30 minutes out of the town I live in. I decided that I wanted to go diapered. On the way back I filled up with gas because gas is cheaper down there. When I stepped out to fill up, I had the urge to go. So while I was standing there pumping my gas (here in Hawaii there is no flip thing to automatically fill your car, so you have to hold it while it fills), I went. So instead of having to wait the 30 minute drive home, I was able to go.

First Kiss Diapered

Yep that happened last night. Here is the back story.

So as you guys who read this know, I have been fighting my own insecurities the past couple weeks. And I have been getting pretty good at the techniques that I listed previously. They are almost becoming habits now. But I don't want to get comfortable. From the great movie of Tommy Boy, "...you're either growing or you're dying, there ain't no third direction." So the beginning of this week I challenged myself to kiss a girl. I had to prove to myself that I could do it.

Well, ya I did it. I will admit it was kinda lame the way I did. I talked to a friend of mine and I told her a little bit of when I was going through and she was having similar problems. We both had relationships with people that we needed to get over, but yet we both were having problems with it. We both agreed to a NCMO, a common BYU phenomenon, a Non-Commital Make-Out.

It was weird, there is no getting around it. But it worked, at least for me. I can now, and did, talk to the last girl I dated and be friends with her because I don't have her mouth in the back of my mind anymore.

But I wouldn't do it again. Granted, the kiss was great. But I didn't feel anything. Yes there was the physical arousal, but that was it. And there is so much more to life than just the physical. So next time I kiss a girl, it will be because I actually feel something for her. I can't wait for that.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I was wearing my cloth pull-up diaper last night when we kissed.

The Magical Crinkle

Today after work I just felt like diapering up. I watched the newest Family Guy and now I'm watching The Blind Side. But that's not what I wanted to say. You see there is a part of wearing a diaper that brings a smile to my, and most other diaper wearers', face. The crinkle. That magical sound every time I shift around a little. Tonight as I have been wearing I have been moving on purpose just to hear that crinkle. I can't really explain why I like it so much. Maybe it's because it reminds me that I'm diapered, supported, and covered. 

There are a couple problems though. I have to be careful when I am not by myself. I can't be giving my secret away to my roommatess and friends. The other problem is that the crinkle doesn't last. After wearing for a while the diaper forms to my body and doesn't make as much of a sound. Over time the crinkle is lost. 

The worst part though is that only disposable diapers have the crinkle. For those of you who read this I am currently switching to cloth. The benefits are just amazing, they are way more comfortable and they are way cheaper in the long run. I'm still making the switch, but maybe I will keep a couple disposables for when I want that crinkle. 

Just feel like it

Sorry it's been awhile since I last wrote but this past week has been amazing. Since last week I have spent a lot of time on websites dedicated to mental health, mainly focusing on fighting feelings of insecurity. The steps that I found have been helpful. 

The first step I took was to find the beginning of my insecurities. Find out why and how they started and work on them from the root. I found my main source of insecurity, well at the least the most recent and therefore the easiest to fix, came from a situation I was in back in December. It would take a long time to explain, but basically the problem was I didn't understand, really understand, what the other person involved was going through. Now I am beginning to. And with understanding comes healing. Healing in the fact that it wasn't only my faults that caused the problems, but both of ours. In fact what I used to think was wrong with me I laugh at now. 

The next biggest step I took is actually little steps I have to do multiple times a day. Thought control. Every time a negative thought about myself passes through my mind, I disprove it. This is a constant battle all day long, but it yields great results. 

This third one might get a little preachy, just as a fair warning. This last tool I learned from teaching from my church. In Mormonism we talk about the sin of pride quite a bit. I'm not talking about being proud of your son or daughter doing well in school or whatever. I am talking about look at me I am so much better than you. But that isn't the only face of pride. Self pity is another. Self pity, focusing on your own problems and thinking that they are more important than anyone else's. That pride can be just as self destructive. That is what I was doing. To offset that habit I have started to do one random act of service everyday. That could include giving a roommate a ride to class as I go to work. It's a little out of the way, but it helps take the focus off I of me. Or helping out my boss at her son's school's silent auction. Again, it has helped. 

I have tried other steps and ideas, but these three have worked the best for me. I feel better about myself than I have for some time. I would like to thank my friend, you know who you are, for your support and for the rude awakenings. You helped me more than you can imagine. I would also like to apologize for everything bad I have ever done to you. 

Anyway, like I said I am feeling better than I have for awhile. It has gotten to the point that I wear diaper just because. Like right now, I had a fun time at the auction last night. I had a good day at work today, everything went very smoothly. I got home, showered, and was like, "I feel like diapering up tonight."  I don't feel down or depressed. I was feeling good before I diapered up and I'm feeling good now. 

Wrong Dog

There is an old Native American proverb (I'm not sure which nation) that explains we have two dogs inside of us. One dog represents good and the other represents bad. These two dogs are constantly fighting, and the one who will win is the one we feed more. From my last post, it is obvious I have been feeding the wrong dog.

I am not sure exactly how to go about this, but I am going to feed the right dog from now on. I am going to try to have a more positive look on my life. Any suggestions?

*Update*
So I have spent a lot of time today reading a bunch of stuff on the internet about fighting depression and insecurity since I think these are my two biggest problems. Sadly the majority of them are pretty vague, not really offering any real advice. But I did get a couple things out of it.

First was to take a look back to see what happened. I haven't always had these feelings, and the idea is to find what changed. To look back and find the cause in order to clean it out. This will of course take some time and serious self reflection.

Second is physical exercise. I already swim laps a couple times a week, but it isn't very regular. I am going to try to set a set time for when I go and make it more of a routine.

Other than that I just have vague ideas of how I want to improve my life. Because I don't like how it is right now. 

I Like Me ... Kind Of

I have never been good at remembering people's names. The way I see it is that who a person is has nothing to do with their name. Their character and their behavior is what I like to find out about a person before I even tried to remember their name. You see I studied cultural anthropology in college and I learned how to learn about people. I like to see what people think and why they think that way. And their name just doesn't change that.

But earlier this week I realized something. I still think that a name changes how I see a person. But thats not the point. A name is important because that is how we identify ourselves. When someone asks us who we are, we give our name. We define who we are by our names. It becomes part of who we are. How we see ourselves makes a big difference. It shapes our everyday lives in every way possible, especially with other people. 

Once I came upon this revelation, I started doing some self reflecting. How do I see myself? What are my strengths and weaknesses? And more importantly do I even like who I am?

This I think is a big part of living a happy life. Being able to see inside yourself and like it. If you can do that, then nothing can stand in your way.

I just don't know if I do. I have tried this week to find what defines me and whether or not I like it. There are many different ways to do that. First off, vocation. This is the main way that people define themselves in our modern world, and my job sucks. I'm basically a PART TIME fry cook. I mean ya, there is a little bit more involved because I am in training for a manager like position (I think) and I am helping with some new recipes and construction, but when it comes right down to it, I am a fry cook. Not even full time. So I am not too happy about that part of my life.

Then there is the Mormon side of me. My religion has always been a great part of my life. But now as I get older and I am still single, it kind of sucks. Let me explain this better. I still feel great strength from my faith, but I feel pressure from everywhere to get married. Every time an old mission companion Facebooks me, it's always, "Oye Avery, ya te casates verdard? Quien es tu esposa?" (Hey Avery, your married right? Who is your wife?) Or there is always the Bishop, Stake President, and other various leaders always trying to put together activities to get us together, or always talking about how important it is to rush off to get married. And reminding us that as long as we put God and Christ first, everything will work out. Right. Because married life is all about riding off into the sunset and living happily ever after. So I have that fun pressure coming from Church to get married. But I can't even see myself in a relationship, let alone a marriage (maybe later I will talk about this more, because I am really starting to think that I won't ever get married. Long story, I will save it for another post). So I am not too happy about that part of my life either.

There are parts of my life that I like. For example I like where I live, I like my new to me Wii and playing Super Smash Bros with my roommates. I like making the random midnight trips to Walmart.

But for what makes me who I am, there is really only one part that I am truly happy about right now, and that is my diapers. I am happiest when I am wearing. I am able to express myself here better than anywhere else. I feel support from people all around the world as they share their experiences and advice on diaper forums. Even as I was buying a cloth diaper on a website from a private seller, she was extremely nice and supportive. This part of me I like.

When I got out of the shower today after work, I looked into the mirror and I couldn't find the strength to tell myself that I like who I am, because I am not sure if it is true. I have a lot I need to work on...